True Love

“There’s your act of true love – riding across the fjords like a valiant, pungent, reindeer king.” – Olaf from Frozen

Ok, so maybe Olaf wasn’t exactly right about Anna’s needed act of true love, but we have to give the little snowman – who loves warm hugs credit…he knew true love required a sacrifice.

We as ministers’ wives think we have this sacrifice thing down…at least I have felt that way. We sacrifice time with our husbands. We sacrifice our privacy. We sacrifice financially. We sacrifice our time in general…sacrifice… sacrifice…sacrifice.

If asked why we “do we do all we do” we would honestly say because we love our church and we love God. Right?

Then why does it feel less like sacrifice and more like a demand that we have very little choice over? Why do we feel used and abused much of the time in our role as ministers’ wives rather than feeling satisfied and content? Is it possible that our perception of true love/sacrifice might be a tad bit off? Notice I said “us” because I am being honest and including myself.

Jesus told us that we were to “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your strength and with all your mind; and love your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27)

We then learn from Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:4 that, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

How many of you just read that verse, probably for the millionth time, and had a person or people pop into your head. A person or persons you are pretty sure God completely forgot about when He had Paul pen this definition of love. A person or people you trusted with a great deal. People who without warning began to make life really difficult for your husband and family. People you started out treating with patience and kindness, but when they started lying about your husband and criticizing your children, the gloves came off. Or maybe the gloves didn’t come off and you retreated into your home to hide in hurt and confusion.

All the sacrificed time, energy, emotion, money…all that seems wasted on these people who have hurt us. So we get hurt and we put our walls up and make rules about how close we are not going to allow ourselves to get to the people we minister to and with. Anybody with me? Anybody been there? Anybody there right now?

About five years ago my husband and I went through one of the most painful situations of our married and ministerial lives. Prior to this time we spent three years working with some close family friends to plant a church. We loved our church family and poured ourselves into it. We took little to no salary because my husband had a full time job and the other ministers did not. We dreamed, strategized, prayed and planted. Then one day things begin to change. We began to see and experience miscommunications between our ministerial friends and ourselves. They became frustrated. We became confused. As time went on we began to feel hurt and betrayed. Then one day the friends we had worked, sweated, prayed, laughed, cheered, and loved with expressed the opinion that it might be time we went our separate ways.

Oh the hurt, anger, betrayal, and confusion we felt. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I couldn’t believe three years of life had come to this point. I couldn’t believe that God would have meant I was suppose to “1 Corinthians 13” love them. Really? How was I to love – truly love them after all the hurt, pain, and anger?

“I know”, my soul said, “I will build up walls and never let people from churches in again. I will keep my distance and love them from arms length. I will only show and tell them enough so that they think I’m being vulnerable, but really I’m not going to let them in at all. Surely God can’t fault me for that!”
It was at this time of deep hurt, anger, and confusion that God reminded me of Luke 10:27…
Love God then love others. He said (to my soul in so many words)
Daughter, you have been “loving” your church and fellow ministers with a “love” I never asked you to “love” with. You have been “sacrificing” things that you assumed I wanted you to “sacrifice”. Daughter, I asked you to love ME with all of who you are – not give all you are to others. You are only able to truly love others when you truly love ME FIRST.”

True love DOES require sacrifice, but to whom are we sacrificing? Are we choosing to be living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to the Lord? (Romans 12:1-2) Or are we sacrificing ourselves to others expectations, traditions, or a desire to please them? Or even worse…are we sacrificing ourselves to our own expectations of what a minister’s wife should be?

If I am honest, its usually one of the latter two for me. The enemy likes to use the third option as his lie of choice in my life. He offers it as a counterfeit method of sacrifice in my life on more occasions than I can count.

Since our experience almost 5 years ago, the Lord has been working tremendously in my life to teach me the meaning of true love. I have continual checks in my spiritual life to make sure the sacrifices I am making in the “name of love” are ones God has asked of me. It’s not an easy lesson, but it is one I am so very thankful the Lord decided to teach me. I am also grateful for the reinforcement lessons He sends to me.

I am very happy to say that my husband and I have been able to reconcile with the ministers in our former church family. We are amazed at how God has taken a damaging situation and brought about so much glory for Himself. We are so thankful for what He has done.

Dr. A is in…….. So have your say. What have you been learning about sacrifice and true love? Are you stuck? Need to talk. I would love to read your comments in the forum or here. Remember when you click on the forum if you are not signed in you will need to do so in order to post a comment.
Dr. A is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a licensed professional counselor in the state of Louisiana. She has been counseling for over 12 years and currently serves as the Clinical Director of Restoration Counseling, a Christian counseling practice in New Orleans, LA. Dr. A and her Pastor husband, Dr. Page Brooks have been married eleven years and have three adopted children. The Brooks have a passion for specifically multi-racial adoption and through this journey they have planted, Canal Street Church – A Mosaic Community.

Growing up in a minister’s home and becoming a pastor’s wife, God has given Dr. A insight into the lives of the minister’s wives. She counts it a privilege to have had the honor of counseling a number of minister’s wives…find out more about Dr. A and our other writers on Contagious Joy)