One Woman’s Journey

She was born at the end of the depression – at the very end – 1939 to be exact.  Her family farmed land in Texas.  They were dirt poor – meaning that quite literally they had no cash money and were barely able to feed the family from the dirt that they called a farm.   From the moment that she could remember she didn’t believe that she belonged.  This feeling gnawed at her and for those closest to her their understanding was that she was a hot-tempered little gal who needed to be handled with kid gloves.  When anger erupted no one wanted to tell her daddy.  He was a harsh man and everyone would be punished for her outburst.

When she was only 10 her 12-year-old sister along with her 6-year-old brother contracted severe polio. The two of them along with their mother were taken away to a special hospital.  Something happened during this time that deeply wounded her spirit.  She would carry that secret woundedness until she shared it with me.  I was 32 and a Pastor’s wife.  She was 52 and my mom.  When I heard the story it was the first and only time she ever spoke of these events but suddenly her life journey and mine made more sense.

She had been marked by a lie.  The thought that she didn’t belong became truth to her during the time of her siblings’ illness.  This lie was so huge that it affected her self-esteem through out her entire life.   One person knew her story and she dared not tell anyone because of the shame and reproach.  To everyone outside of her family, she was a fun loving woman.  She had been a cheerleader, played basketball, served in student government.  After she graduated high school she attended a banking college and began a career in banking as a teller.

Soon after her schooling, she married a man that had his own secrets and together they formed a bond of keeping those secrets from the rest of the world.  There is something to note about secret keeping of this sort.  They do not keep well.  These types of secrets don’t just lay around in your spirit with no affect on a person.  They create bondage through recipes for failure through anger, bitterness, unforgiveness, fear, fault- finding, judgments, and in-securities, addictions of all sorts, rejection and the fear of rejection.  If you’re the child of a secret keeper you learn how to live a double life at an early age.   And sometimes when the internal battle is intense for the secret keeper it spills out of control and out upon those closest to you. If kept in the dark these secrets keep churning out recipes for destruction until the person is left undone. Except for the saving grace of our Lord Jesus Christ who comes to rescue and redeem a secret keepers heart  – the person might be left completely tormented and lost.

In her early twenties she became a Christian and although there wasn’t a great spiritual growth she passed on to her three girls what spiritual truths she knew.   Her three daughters grew up with a God belief and understood why you would celebrate Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. She was a hard workingwoman.  I have never known a harder worker.  She knew what it took to get things done on a farm and to raise a family.  She did them well.  She was an incredible seamstress and could whip out anything from little girl undies, western wear, or the most extravagant wedding gown.  She had a garden every year and the family would eat from its’ yield well into the winter.  She had a creative side and became an artist.  In fact she became quite an accomplished landscape painter.  Last and certainly not least she loved clothes!!!  As she grew older she became a grandmother and loved her grandkids.  She also continued to serve her community in various ways and was a favorite friend to both young and old.

In her later years she sought to grow in her faith.  She began to open up about her secrets.  It was a huge step of faith for her.  Our family journey made more sense to me and I understood that she loved the best she knew how.  She had given sacrificially for her family her entire life.  She wasn’t given to much physical expression of her love but she did speak of it each time we parted, “I love you, Di.”

One woman’s journey may seem unimportant to the world but to our Lord her story was written before one day had come to pass.  I don’t believe that her journey was meant to be exactly as it was lived out but I do believe that God will be and is sovereign over her journey.  He has redeemed her legacy through this writer.  From early in my journey I have had a yearning for spiritual things.  I sought no fought in my own journey to discover my purpose and my Abba. As I am writing these words I am sitting next to her bed where in a few hours she will enter into heaven. For the first time in her life she will really know the depth of God’s love!  She will be free!   COMPLETELY! TOTALLY! FREE!

I love you Mama…

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