Empowered to Forgive!

You Hurt Me! But God Healed Me!

What do you do when your emotional pain is still raw? What do you do when your pain is inflicted by someone in the church?

Like every pastor’s wife, I have had my share of pain. I remember one pastor’s wife said she had so many scars on her back that I could play tick-tack-toe on it. Although it made me laugh, it also reminded me of my many scars from twenty five years of being in ministry.

I especially remember one painful situation in particular because it came from an unsuspecting person. Let me be honest for a minute: The worst kind of pain for me is when it comes from someone who I least expect.

It was Easter Sunday some years ago. And because I was the worship leader, all week long I had been praising and practicing resurrection songs, so I woke up in a resurrection mood. I was ready and prepared to have an encounter with God.

Well Sunday arrived and after I finished leading two songs, we then took a few minutes to greet and meet.

I’m not sure why but I quickly left the stage to get something. At that moment I noticed our musician leaving the piano to greet me… so I thought. I extended both my arms to give her a hug, but she did not respond in kind. She said: “I’m quitting…and today is my last Sunday!” She then looked in the direction of two other members who were her friends, which gave me the indication that they knew why she was talking to me.

So there I was…I couldn’t catch my breath. It was a Judas moment I didn’t see coming. Even though I can normally sense a church storm brewing a mile away…but not this time. Easter? Really?

Because I only had about a minute or so to go back to the stage, I didn’t have time to go through my normal routine of boo hooing in private. As hard as I tried to not allow the musician and her friends to have the satisfaction of seeing my pain, the floodgate of tears burst through anyway.

Although I was emotionally bleeding, I realized I had one more song to sing. Thankfully, a song the musician did not have to play because I was singing from an instrumental track. But of all the days, why did it have to be a solo. I never felt so alone in my life. I could not run into my husband’s arms for comfort. Or call one of my BFF’s to vent.

It was just Jesus and me. I remember praying a quick prayer to God: “Lord, help me! I’m grieving. My heart is aching. I’m angry. And I’m tired of being hurt in ministry”

The song I had chosen weeks before Easter was ever so appropriate. The song was entitled: It Wasn’t Easy, But It Was Worth It by CeCe Winans.

As the music played, I closed my eyes and sang to God. Every word I sung, I felt empowerment. Even in the spaces between the words, I felt no space between me and God. I felt His sweet presence in my suffering. As well as I sensed God speaking into my soul to remember: Just as he was empowering me to sing, He was going to empower me to forgive.

A couple of days later, I knew I needed to try to reconcile with the musician. The pain was such that I knew I had to put it in a letter because my emotions were everywhere. I only mailed one letter, but it took four or five re-writes before I felt it was God-honoring. I asked in the letter if she and I could meet in person and discuss what happened. She contacted me some days later and we talked for some length. We didn’t agree on everything, but we reconciled.

After that meeting, she was still not our musician, but she will always be my sister in the Lord.

As I said earlier, every pastor’s wife has experienced her share of pain. Although the memories never go away of the people who have hurt us, I pray we will all remember God has the power to heal us!

From one PW who has been healed more times than I can count to those of you who need a healin’!  Come on sister!  Let Him who is our Jevhovah Rapha heal our pain!

What do you think?

I’m healed because God healed me, Kim