I’m a PK!

Tracy Osborne

If everyone reading this was asked to finish the sentence, “I wish I had a dollar for each time I…”, we would have as many different answers as readers. Currently I would probably answer something like, “…picked something up off the floor”. Earlier in my life, however, it would have been, “I wish I had a dollar for each time I was asked what it was like to be a minister’s daughter”.   What I really wanted to respond with was, “Well, what’s it like to be a bus driver’s daughter?”, or whatever the case may be. That probably sounds pretty cheeky, but hopefully it provides insight into the frustration some minister’s kids feel while sensing they are unusual and on display.

Diane Nix, the incredibly gifted lady who founded this website and continues to oversee it, recently asked me to write a few articles on what factors make living in a minister’s home unique (see-there’s another dollar!). Not only do I have first-hand experience in this area, but over twenty years ago, while in grad school I wrote my Master’s thesis on what it’s like to grow up the a “stained-glass” fishbowl. This gave me an opportunity to research and interview hundreds of people who described themselves as P.K.’s and look for some patterns in these families. My ears still perk up when I hear someone is a minister’s kid, trying to listen for references to their childhood home life.

Of all the research and data I’ve waded through, one of the most marked characteristics I’ve noted is that there is a unique set of stressors that typify most ministers’ homes with the pressure to behave appropriately being the most acute stressor of all.

In fact, many adult P.K.’s have developed such sensitivity to their conduct being watched and discussed that they report carrying the pressure of perfectionism even though they no longer live in the same atmosphere. Others give up the quest to satisfy onlookers and decide to abandon the church – and God – reportedly feeling unable to live up to expectations.

No surprises so far, right? If this news isn’t really “new” to us, then why is this still happening? One reason may be that as much as we try to buffer our kids from other people’s sometimes unreasonable expectations, at the end of the day the kids are still aware that their behavior is seen as their dad’s ministerial report card. That’s just the way things are this side of Heaven! To pretend this pressure doesn’t exist is to ignore the fear and frustration these kids are feeling.

The best way to meet this challenge is head-on.

• Be open with your kids about the way they may be feeling about these issues.
• Does it anger them that people have higher expectations for their behavior than those of their peers?
• Do they worry about they way their behavior reflects on their dad’s ministry?
• Do they feel the pressure to be perfect? If they’re mature enough, let them know that you feel this way too at times.

By processing these feelings openly in a safe, accepting atmosphere, the reality that the Lord wants them to be free to serve Him in spirit and truth is more likely to shine through the cloud of isolation.

Finally, remind them what their Heavenly Father longs for – an intimately fulfilling friendship with Him.

I’ll meet you in the forums to talk about the issues you face raising your PK’s.