God Enough through the Wall

Reflecting back, after Jake died, a dangerous shift occurred in me. I think that only those that know me really well ever saw the change, for I pretended well. I
said the right things, looked sad when needed, paid attention to kids when necessary but didn’t get emotionally involved with them. No way. I was
surrounded by many people I loved and wouldn’t quit loving but as much as I could control, I wouldn’t allow new possible hurts. I began to see people as possible new hurts so I shut myself off mentally. I hurt and I didn’t ever want to feel that kind of pain again. Why openly expose yourself? Just take a step back from life. Somewhere deep down, I really thought that if I just stopped feeling, I might stop hurting. I know there were times when unwanted emotion seeped in, especially with my kids or family. But as much as I could control I had constructed a wall, or maybe even a fortress surrounding my heart.

I was never the one who threw  fits with God. I cried, but rarely had public outbursts.  I hurt, but rarely admitted it. I felt I had to be strong, had to prove I was
doing okay. I felt the weight of my response to my son’s death as a personal responsibility to the rest of the world. I quietly assumed that I had to be strong and stoic in fear that the those around me might not think God is good. I carried a burden I was not to bear along with my grief. I felt like my reaction in itself said something about God. I was so scared that if I hurt too much or too openly, I would give Him a bad name. I was determined that Jake’s death would not affect how others saw God. Part of that determination is a good thing. There is a verse in Acts that I love – Paul states that no matter what happens to him, nothing will move him. I wanted to be like that. Strong. Unwavering. Immovable.

Yet, part of me was scared I was a hypocrite. (I mean, some days, using bronzer makes me nervous – being real is serious business to me) I remember going to a
funeral for the son of a dear friend.   She grieved. Openly. Loudly. I called my Mom, scared that I hadn’t really grieved the right way (whatever that means??). I questioned myself. Had He really healed me or I had just shut off the feelings? I am sure the answer to these questions is yes to both. He had healed me and I had shut down.

God didn’t allow the wall to totally shield me. I distinctly remember the terror I felt when I found out I was pregnant with Jackson. Less than 2 years after Jake’s death, I was going to have another little boy. I was scared to love him, yet couldn’t help myself. Jackson is the kind of boy who demands that you love him with everything you have. He wants your full attention and affection. He accepts nothing less. Jackson was just what I needed to force me to feel again. The choice wasn’t up to me, Jackson demanded and received my full heart. He was just too wonderful to withhold my affection. Jackson is the kid who when I kneeled to eye level with him to give him “a talkin’ to” he calmly combed my hair with his fingers and looked at me directly in the eyes – As if he was the one calming me. He is that kind of kid.

Yet,  God faithfully widens the holes in my wall, slowly letting the light in. Our family has moved into a low income neighborhood in hopes of shinning His light
on a dark place. Each day I open my home to kid after kid that needs love and affection. I am beginning to see that as I’ve opened myself to others, helped to heal my heart.  I pour His love into each child, He pours His love into me. Each kid that hugged on me, told me I smelled good, asked to come home with me, begged for my complete attention on him, showed me a glimpse of His light into my dark heart.

I realized that on the metal table where Jake’s lifeless body laid, I laid down with him. I killed my emotions that day. Now, the Power that raised Jesus from the
grave is slowing resurrecting me. Daily interaction with child after child that needs my love and attention has shown me that shielding oneself is not the
answer. Exposure is.

That’s what courage is, choosing to love when you know it might hurt a little….Or a lot. Isn’t that what Christ did for us? He chose to love us when He knew
how much it would hurt.

Kasey Ewing
www.kaseyewing.com
Romans 15:13 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
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