Walking with Kinslee
By: Carole Leathem
One afternoon I was taking a walk with my granddaughter. As we walked, Kinslee grabbed my hand and began to walk backward. It was awkward, and she kept stumbling . At one point I let go of her hand for a minute. She said, “You’ve got to keep holding my hand!” I looked down and asked, “Why are you walking that way?” She said, “I am watching where I have been. You have to hold my hand, or I will fall because I can[’t see where I am going.” We continued our walk, and soon she turned back around saying, “This is much easier now that I know where I am going.
The next morning, I sat in my office remembering her words. There was a lesson here. I realized that I was walking through my life focusing on “where I had been.” Painful circumstances from my childhood, strained relationships, past experiences I continued using to validate my hurt. was still trying to place blame. It was easier to be the victim than to admit the pain happened, forgive and move on.
I had been asking God over and over, “Why did this happen?” “How could You let this happen?” “Where were you during all of the pain?” Not once did I get answers. Then it hit me. By looking back on the pain through the lenses of anger and unforgiveness, I remembered a distorted view of the circumstances.The pain was real, and the experiences happened It was now time to face some harsh realities about my memories and forgive.
The “Why” began to make sense. I was taking a wider view and memories began to flood my mind. There were circumstances I had been unable to think about or unwilling to remember because of my anger. So much more was going on in life at the moment the experiences happened. The circumstances could explain some of the painful actions. The wall of anger and unforgiveness I had built began to crack.
The next question was, “How could God let this happen?” The actual question was not how God could let this happen. It was how could He let this happen to me. I was mad at God because He let it happened to me. That morning as I reflected back over my life, I had to acknowledge a truth about the painful experiences. I was who I was today because of them. As I admitted this truth to myself, my wall of anger and unforgiveness toward God and the offenders not only cracked, it crumbled and fell away.
My final question was,“Where were You…?” More memories. I remembered the people who were there to help me, teach me and love me. My anger and unforgiveness had me focusing on God’s absence and the people who hurt me. God had been there the entire time sending people to ease the pain, love and guide me.
There was one more lesson to be learned from my granddaughter’s words. When walking backward, focused on where I had been, I couldn’t see where I was going, and kept stumbling. I stumbled because I was not holding God’s hand. I was blaming Him because I kept falling. The problem was that my focus was in the past, not the present, not of God who was there with me. I refused to hold His hand because of my anger and hurt. I was unable to see the path He wanted me to take. Every time I tried to turn around and move forward I kept myself glued to the past offenses and offenders. I was stuck.
As I sat there facing my anger and hurt, I was still struggling with granting forgiveness and moving on. It was hard. I was stuck in my journey, and it was time to acknowledge the pain, forgive the offenders, accept God’s healing. I needed to turn around and start walking forward, with God, who has a plan for my life. I had a choice to make. I chose God; I forgave, I took His hand and turned around. I was now walking forward, and I can see where I am going.
I took a walk today and stopped at the spot where my granddaughter’s words taught me a lesson about life. I turned and looked back. The experiences are still there, the people are still the same, the pain is still there. But, now it’s all there in the past. I turned back around; I am holding onto God as I walk. I look at the beauty around me. I am living in today. I find myself skipping with anticipation down the sidewalk.
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| Carole Leathem | |
At sixteen I begged God to help me stop the cycle of abuse, addiction, and chaos that had plagued my family for generations. I am so blessed that God sent my husband Bill into my life, two years later, to be my partner on my journey. We have been married for 39 years and have two grown children. Our daughter Kate is married to Luke, and they have three children. Our son Jack is married to LeeAnn, and they have one child. Both of my kids and their spouses are serving at churches in full-time ministry positions. In January my husband semi-retired from pastoring. We are now doing interim work and enjoying traveling. In January we will celebrate 40 years of marriage with a family trip to Maui. Find out more about Carole and our writing team.