Surrendering the Soul

“I do NOT want to do it, Lord! I do NOT want to forgive this person. He has hurt my family and me too badly. I am HURT. I am ANGRY. My husband has been lied about. Did I mention that I am HURT and I am REALLY ANGRY? Did I mention that this person seems to be getting away with all of this lunacy? If I forgive him, he is just going to get away with the lies and misconceptions and no one is going to know the TRUTH. You cannot possibly ask me to forgive him. It HURTS too much!”

I remember this one sided conversation with the Lord as though it were yesterday. My husband and I had invested so much into this church, only to be attacked then abandoned by people we deeply loved. I remember the raw pain I felt. I remember screaming to the Lord through sobs and what seemed like uncontrollable tears.

I also remember that deep down from somewhere in my spirit I heard and felt the still small voice of the Spirit gently reminding me that forgiveness was His desire for me. But I felt like my soul was in a tug-a-war game. I felt a slight, gentle, loving tug every once in a while reminding me of the Truth of the need for forgiveness. However, the majority of the pulling came from the jerks of what seemed like my whole heart, mind, and soul towards anger…anger due to the injustice, hurt, disbelief and betrayal of the entire unfair situation.

What was this warring inside of me? I felt (on top of the hurt and anger) like I was going crazy. I had heard about the “old man” and the “new man” and how they battle, but I am a visual person. I had never quite gotten my head around there being two “persons” inside of me battling it out. I had never before felt this strongly the battle within me. This hurt I felt was more painful than anything I had ever experienced.

It was about this time that the Lord gave me a picture of what was going on inside me. I read a book to my girls, which talked about the layers of the earth. While reading the book I heard the Holy Spirit say “Look!” As I looked at the layers I realized how similar they were to the body, soul, and spirit. The body is like the crust, reacting to what is going on underneath the surface. The spirit is like the core, made alive and new at salvation. The Holy Spirit is in communion with our new spirit. Then in the middle is the outer core and mantle. At this point the Lord and I begin to have a theological discussion about how there are 3 parts of man and four layers of the earth. But then the Lord led me back to this struggle I was having between the old and new self. We are aware that we have the ability to choose through free will or our conscious free choice, but something less understood is that we also have what psychologists call the unconscious part of us.

This unconscious part is immature, fear based, and self-centered. It stores all our memories, which are perceptions of the events we experience. Evidence exists that it stores impressions and memories from all the way back to pre-natal development. As I looked at the picture of the earth and it’s layers I realized that the soul, that part of us that is our feelings, thoughts, memories, personality and will is actually divided into two permeable layers. We have the thoughts, memories, emotions, beliefs, and aspects of our personality that we are continually aware of, but then we have the majority of our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, memories, and aspects of our personality that we have either hidden away and we don’t want to deal with. It is this part that has not been held under the light of the Truth of scripture until circumstances draws it up to the surface. It is this part that the Spirit is continually sanctifying.

As the gentle work of the Holy Spirit began to bring light and clarity to my very confused, very hurt, very conscious soul, a warmth of comfort begin to fill me. It is my soul itself that is playing tug-a-war. I do not have two different “persons” inside of me battling it out. Rather, I have an unsanctified, hidden, immature, and selfish part of me that is stubbornly refusing (out of fear of being hurt) to submit to the Truth of God’s word. My conscious part desires to surrender to the Lord. It is the part that knows that God’s way is best even if it doesn’t feel right or fair. It is the part that hopes and “faiths” in the Lord.

Two verses come to mind as I think about this tug-a-war between my conscious and unconscious parts. Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who love me and gave himself for me.” I must choose to place my unconscious self under the submission of my conscious self. I must choose to die to what FEELS right and CHOOSE what scripture says is right.

The second verse was Psalm 130:5, “I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in His word I hope.” As I meditated on why the scripture tells us to wait on the Lord, I realized that one of the reasons was because my unconscious part needed to wait patiently for the Lord to shine His light on it, bring it to my attention, and then begin to heal it. My sanctification is also a healing. God does not say “I don’t care how you feel, do it my way anyway.” I heard Him for the first time say to my hurting unconscious parts that I didn’t even completely understand, “I love you and I want the best for you. Trust Me. Do what I am asking you to do and in the process, your faith will make you well.”

I wish I could say that everything was immediately better and all my hurt and anger went away. If you have been in a situation like this (as many of you have) you know I’d be lying. I still feel hurt and sadness when I think about the situation, but it is different than before. I feel hurt and sadness at the loss of a friend, which I am sure saddens the Lord as well. But along with these feelings comes a feeling of unexplainable peace and joy that I did not know before. I chose to allow God to work on me through this really hurtful circumstance. Because of this surrender of my soul to His will, I look just a little more like His precious Son than I did a few years ago. Oh the amazing things that the Lord can do!!

Surrendering,

Dr. A