Life is Hard. Ministry Marriage Can be Harder. By Ashlie Cook
Life is hard. It has been even more challenging for the last year, but let’s face it, marriage is often even harder. My husband and I have been married for almost nineteen years–seventeen of which have been in ministry. And if I’m honest, I haven’t liked him for many of those years. And I haven’t liked ministry much either.
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Some of you reading this may be shocked by these statements; others wholeheartedly relate. As you can probably tell already, I’m not about pretenses or faking it. I’ve done that for way too long. We cannot be all God created us to be, not to mention walk in freedom & joy if we can’t be honest.
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I’m not anti-ministry; obviously, we’re still doing it (I’ll explain more soon). I even started out excited and doe-eyed when we dove into ministry. I always thought we would be in ministry; I just thought it would be at the volunteer level. Not at the full-time paid level. Because that included some expectations and loss of freedom, I wasn’t sure I wanted to give up. But we accepted our first ministry position, moved from Colorado to Houston, and everything fell apart.
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My husband freely shares how he became out of balance in the name of “serving the Lord,” and I became more and more isolated and alone. I served along with him a lot at first, but it became too much on top of my full-time job, which brought its own oppression. Before long, we were great roommates, I was in a deep depression, and he was never home. All the generational strongholds and baggage we brought into our marriage hit us like a ton of bricks. Over and over again.
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We both come from families of multiple marriages and divorces. Let me state this plainly–our four birth parents have been married twelve times. Yep, you read correctly. Twelve. If you’ve walked through the messiness and fallout of divorce, you will understand how far-reaching and unrelenting the consequences of this divorce count are for us. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side, no matter how the enemy tries to convince you it is.
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If you’ve walked through a divorce, please know that I’m not trying to sound calloused. I know that many have suffered horrible abuse, and that is never acceptable. But no matter what the reason is, divorce leaves a wake of devastation.
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Before we got married, we committed to the decision that divorce was not an option for us. That was great in theory but much harder to live out. I wish I could sit in a room with all of you and tell you the bigger story, but I’m limited here to give you the highlights. I love stories, so it’s difficult for me not to paint the whole picture. But you should know it was bad, and messy, and painful, and ugly. Not only were our individual issues strangling us alive, but the expectations of people in the church and even those in our own family about finished us. I had built so many walls around my heart, trying to protect myself (not letting God protect me) that I was almost completely numb. God was loving and helpful to everyone else but me, and if I were going to survive, it would be up to me. So I thought.
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I remember when we were in the throes of one of the worse times, we looked at each other and admitted that this was the point when most people would throw in the towel. And if I’m honest, I played it out. I thought through all the ways I could quit him and survive; how I would provide for my kids, where I would work, where we would live, etc. But being a child of divorce and abuse myself, I knew the fallout my kids would experience, and I couldn’t bear the thought.
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We went through years of counseling together and separately. I went to every conference, Bible study, and mentoring opportunity with little to no improvement. But then God gloriously intervened in my husband’s life. God revealed himself to my husband, showed him how he did not love me as Christ loved the church, and on a very fundamental level, showed him how to love me.
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That was the catalyst moment that started my husband’s freedom journey. He began to identify, with the Lord’s leading, the lies he believed, the vows he had made, and the agreements under which he had come–all the things that prevented him from performance-free love, being Christ-focused, and free from anger. Because my husband started down the path first, I was able to follow. But it took a while.
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Not only did we walk through all that, but we also dealt with infertility, multiple health issues and surgeries, and significant family drama. And recently, we were sinned against and left our church to move our family across the country.
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I tell you all this to share the depth of marital struggle we were under, to offer you hope. I tell our story to share some practical steps you can take to fight for your marriage.
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Pray for your husband. Whether your marriage is healthy or you don’t like your husband right now, pray. If our marriages are to stand a chance, we have to pray. I highly suggest Sylvia Gunter’s “Daily Spirit Blessings” and “For the Family.” Both include blessings to pray over your husband and children as well as guided prayers for them and for your marriage that fill the gap when you don’t know how to pray or when you just can’t.
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Realize that your husband is a gift from the Lord. Whether that thought makes you cringe or nod your head in agreement, it’s still true. In Genesis 2:21-25, God created woman and presented her to Adam, and he embraced her and accepted her because he trusted God to give him good things. Likewise, Eve also accepted Adam without question. So if you can’t see your husband as a gift, then you may need to ask yourself if you really trust the Lord.
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If you’re anything like me, in your head you know you should trust Him, but don’t always feel it with your heart. Either He’s a good, good Father, or He’s not. If He is good, then your husband is a gift and exactly what you need to walk in the fullness of who God wants you to be and to be most like Christ & to reflect Him. You may need to put a change of perspective on the top of your prayer list. FYI-God can change your heart for your husband through prayer as well.
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Reach out for help. I understand not knowing where it’s safe to share our “stuff” in ministry. But find someone. A mentor couple would be ideal. And if you don’t have someone, then please reach out. My husband and I now work for a ministry called Christian Family Life, where our goal is to help equip marriages to be all God created them to be–no matter whether your marriage is in crisis, needs a tune-up, or is just getting started. I’ll include our contact at the end of this article. We are happy to listen to your story and help guide you.
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Develop a spiritual combat strategy. We have a very real enemy who HATES marriage. Marriage is the closest thing we have on earth to reflecting the Trinity and the enemy’s goal is to destroy it. First Peter 5:8 says, “Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world.”
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The enemy doesn’t just want to keep us from having a successful marriage. He intends to DESTROY us. Let that sink in. If you don’t have a combat strategy, you need one. I highly suggest starting here if you need a place to start. It’s the first in a series of podcasts on spiritual warfare and how to take a stand: https://wildatheart.org/podcast/spiritual-warfare-biblical-foundation.
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Invest in your spiritual life. If you’re spiritually empty, you can’t fight for your marriage, your family, or your faith. You can’t hold tight to the God who loves you, fights for you, and protects you if you don’t know his word or talk to Him.
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Keep your eyes on Jesus. It’s easy to fixate on our troubles, circumstances, children, husbands, pandemics, ministry, etc. The only way we can survive not being consumed by the tidal wave of life is to keep our focus on Him. “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3
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Like the lyrics from the favorite hymn tell us, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.”
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Lastly, be encouraged. You are not alone. While I know my marriage is not as fulfilling as I know it will be one day, it’s light years better than where we once were. It was hard, took a lot of work, and produced so many tears, but I would do it all over again. The blessings God has bestowed upon us are vast and miraculous, but not all are tangible.
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Fighting for your marriage is worth it and will never be in vain.
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Ashlie Cook is the mom of 3, has been married for 19 years, and in ministry for 17. She and her husband Ryan have worked on the staff of 2 different churches for 16 years and now work for Chrisitan Family Life, a marriage ministry based in the Charlotte, NC area. She’s a photographer, avid reader/researcher, new chicken mom, and is passionate about authentic relationships.
Feel free to reach out for marriage help or learn how to help others at www.christianfamilylife.com or check out Ashlie’s photography at www.ashlienicolephotography.com.
