Can a Ministry Wife have Friends in the Church?

“Is it possible for a ministry wife to have friends in the church?”

Almost every time ministry wives get together for a workshop, retreat, or conference, someone asks this question. The question is understandable. We watch members come to church and form relationships, but we may not be as quickly invited into the same. If we are asked to join, we may wonder if they really want to know us because some want to be close to the ministry wife to be close to the minister. Countless wives have been hurt when they discovered their confidences and friendships had been violated by someone with ulterior motives. It can also be hard for a ministry couple to develop friends when we hesitate to burden our husbands with invitations that might conflict with his ministry schedule.

So what is a ministry wife to do?

We do what any wise woman would do; we ask more seasoned ministry wives, hoping they will have the answer. I have heard every response imaginable to the ‘can I have friends in the church’ question. Wives who have been hurt in the past may quickly respond, “Absolutely not!” Others cautiously offer, “Be careful and selective.” Lately, I’ve heard more ministry wives encourage making friends in the church. In all honesty, at different points in ministry, I have personally had differing thoughts and responses to this question.

So again, what is a ministry wife to do?

As I prayerfully explored the topic of meaningful relationships within our church, I was reminded by Scripture that we were made for relationship. In the New Testament, the church was built on Christ, and through meaningful relationships, believers developed spiritually with one another.

“And all those who had believed were together and had all things in common; and they began selling their property and possessions and were sharing them with all, as anyone might have need. Day by day continuing with one mind in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, they were taking their meals together with gladness and sincerity of heart, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number day by day those who were being saved.” Acts 2:44-47 (NASB)

I love the image Acts 2 brings to mind–God’s people together in meaningful relationships, caring for one another, and spending time with one another. Through these friendships, the Gospel was spread, and the church grew.

When wives ask, “Can I have friends in my church,” we are really asking if it’s possible for us to “be real with” someone, to share our deepest, darkest secrets. We want to freely vent and let our hair down. Can we just “be ourselves?” However, when we seek to relate to women in the church with no holds barred, we leave ourselves open to potential problems.

So THIS is what a ministry wife can do…

First, we begin with meaningful relationships. We CAN have biblical, God-honoring relationships throughout the church. But we must first exchange our need to find a new “bestie” or someone to bear our burdens for a commitment to love those God places in our paths with an Acts 2 love. When we faithfully build these relationships, we make a foundation for God to elevate unique relationships, close friendships, where we can be more vulnerable and appropriately transparent. These deeper friendships will be stronger because they are based on godly actions and Christian character.

Next, we challenge our thoughts on what we think “having friends” in the church means. If we seek someone who can handle our complaints about the church and our husbands, then we need to face the fact that we will not honor God in that relationship. If our desire is to have someone to vent and complain to, we should stop there. We should not look for friends in the church who would allow us to be “less than our best” selves. In these instances, we need to prayerfully check our motives and deepen our ‘friendship’ definition.

My best answer to having friends in the church is to trust God to bring you those friends. It’s cheesy, but it is true. Don’t take shortcuts, jumping into intimate friendships with the first people who want to spend time with you. You could be asking for trouble. Be prayerful, careful, and selective. Start with meaningful relationships.

When you feel led to invest in a friendship with a sister in Christ, first make sure it is a healthy, God-honoring friendship. Share with one another, care for those in need, fellowship, and break bread together. Share the good times and bad times and honor God in all you do and say. The safest and most fulfilling friendships are the ones that encourage us to be godly women.

If you are blessed to have healthy friendships outside your church, continue cultivating and investing in them until deeper relationships develop with women in your church. In time, if you honor Him, He will fulfill your need for friendship and fellowship both in and out of your church.

Heather Johnson holds tight to God’s love and cherishes her roles as wife to an amazing husband and mother of 4 engaging children. She cares deeply about the Word of God and helping women and families develop into all God has called them to be. The Assistant Director of Thrive, A Ministry Wives Program at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary, Heather is a Ph.D. Resident in Christian Education and adjunct instructor at Leavell College. She gratefully serves in ministry alongside her husband and treasures every opportunity to serve ministry wives and women.