Beautifully Broken

I was ugly broken. I didn’t just have hurt feelings; I had shattered emotions. Little pieces of me were everywhere. My emotions were unpredictable. There was a racing dialogue in my head. “He doesn’t love me.” “Will they like me?” “They will never like me.” “You aren’t good enough.” “If they find out who you really are/were, they will not like you.” “Who do you think you are?” You can’t do this Pastors’ wife thing.” “You are not good enough.” “You don’t know enough.” “You will destroy your husband’s ministry.” “No one can know who you were before you came to know Christ.” “You are damaged goods.”

To top it all off – I had secrets. Secrets never spoke out loud. Fear held them tight within me. I remember a moment during an argument when Preston looked at me and said, “I know that you should be angry with me, but I don’t understand the intensity of your anger.” I couldn’t let him know. I held tight to my broken spirit. Until one day amid a major meltdown – the kind that you wish you could stop but when it started nothing could stop the eruption – He said, “Go see a counselor. You have to see a counselor.” I went.

I remember the day I walked into that office. I nervously began to share the one secret that seemed to hold me captive the most. As I shared a supernatural moment began to unfold. I absolutely could not believe how much lighter and brighter I began to feel. At the end of me speaking, the counselor took a deep breath and asked, “Diane, do you believe that you are the only Pastors’ wife that has ever experienced this type of sin in your life?” I sat there in stunned silence. Well, if you put like that, “NO, I don’t,” I answered. It was the beginning of me identifying the lies associated with my brokenness and allowing the Holy Spirit to begin speaking the truth of God’s word.

It took a while, and even today, I’m not wholly unbroken, but I am willing to ask the questions, to do the hard work of becoming whole. I can allow my brokenness exposed for the glory of my Father. I am willing to admit my wrong, repent, and ask the hard questions for my Abba to heal me. He is gracious in my broken places. He wants me to surrender them to use them for His glory.

Brokenness can be beautiful. It can be. Really. I know that when you are freshly broken and raw, it doesn’t feel as if any beauty could come from this place. It can. It will. If you allow the Lord to do what only He can do – there is a grace from Him in the brokenness.

Ministry has a way of bringing all broken places to the forefront. Carefully, let it. As the brokenness surfaces, then ask the Lord to heal it. Restore it. Show you the root of it and let Him have his way in it. He will restore you. There are places of our brokenness that we might never be okay and you know what – He has grace in these places. Not an excuse, but a picture of His grace. Learn your triggers. Prepare for the moments you might not look like the leader you should be and then own it. Ask forgiveness of the offense if needed and then forgive yourself for not being perfect.
Second Corinthians, chapter twelve, verse nine reads, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

Afterward, move on.

There is a song I’m singing and singing again by Matt Redman. “Gracefully Broken” I hope you will listen and read the lyrics! Powerful.

 

And remember: Most of us are broken people leading and shepherding broken people. We all need grace.

Love you, sisters!

Diane

 

Diane Nix, Founder/Director of Contagious Joy4him.com, a Minister’s Wife, Author, Teacher, &   is a popular speaker and women’s Bible study teacher. She is the “spiritual Mom” for two grown daughters (35 & 38) and the biological mom to TWO daughters, two sons-in-law, and two grands.  Diane shares her journey of lessons learned while being a Pastor’s wife for 21 years. She and her family experienced the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina where – after living in New Orleans for only three weeks – they lost every daily living thing. She also shares experiences of surviving a difficult battle with meningitis. Diane’s life has been a journey of “never giving up” amid trials! The last 14 years she has enjoyed being a professor’s wife, traveling, teaching the Word of God, and being a mom. She is married to Dr. Preston L. Nix, Director of the Landrum Leavell School of Evangelism and Church health and Professor of Evangelism and Preaching at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary.  This August she and Preston will celebrate 36 years of marriage!