Let the Men Be the Men

I grew up in a pastor’s home. I said I would never marry a pastor, but that is the only life I have ever known. Growing up in a pastor’s home undoubtedly molded much of my thinking as I became “the pastor’s wife.” Much of what I learned in a minister’s home has been resourceful and invaluable. I learned from my father to love the Church and God’s Word. My mother was a wonderful example of a quiet and gentle spirit and served with a true servant’s heart.

One of the greatest lessons and realizations I learned early on as a pastor’s wife was that I was not called to be the pastor. God did not intend for us to bear the burdens of the Church. He has called our husbands to do that. He has called us to walk by their sides and be supportive of their calling.

“Let the men be the men” is a phrase I coined years ago as I challenged our minister’s wives on how to cope with church issues. This is an area where many pastor’s wives get themselves in a great deal of conflict and invite trouble into their laps. When you attempt to take on and solve church problems, you make your husband look like a weak leader. That is not the message you want to send to your congregation.

Usually, men handle conflict and challenges differently. They resolve issues with less feeling and emotion. Men have the ability to disagree completely and go out and play golf together the next day. At times, women tend to hang on to hurts and nurse them for a while before we are able to move on.

I firmly believe that if we will “let the men be the men,” God will use them to lead in powerful ways. God created men to be leaders under pressure. God created men to be less reactionary in difficult decisions. I also believe that God, because He called our husbands into His ministry, will direct them in wise decision making. A Scripture I have claimed for my pastor husband many times when he has faced difficult decisions is this one: “But His secret counsel is with the upright.” (Prov 3:32; NKJV).

At times, all our husbands will face very difficult circumstances. There are certainly times when I am thankful that I am not the one in charge – the one who has to make the tough decisions. God has gifted our husbands as men who can be courageous in the face of those difficult times.

I encourage every minister’s wife, whether your husband is the senior pastor or a support team member, to search your heart, your thoughts, and your actions.

• Do your actions give the impression that you would really like to be the pastor? That you always think you have a better plan?
• Do you feel like the man in your life – or the men on your staff team – are not making the right decisions and need your advice?
• Do you criticize their leadership behind their backs?
• Do you undermine the decisions of others?
• Do you cause your husband to doubt his own leadership?
• Do you enjoy knowing everything about everything whether it involves you or not?
• Do you make the effort to calm a storm or create one?

God has called your husband to be the pastor, not you. If you will concentrate that energy on loving and supporting your husband and letting “the men be the men,” it will be much more enjoyable and fulfilling to serve as a minister’s wife.

Let this be your goal…and “let the men be the men.”  What do you think?  I would love to read your comments in the forum or here

Jeana Floyd is a wife, mother, grandmother, pastor’s wife, and breast cancer survivor.  She has served alongside her husband, Dr. Ronnie Floyd, in ministry for over 37 years.  They have served at Cross Church in Northwest Arkansas for 27 years.  She is the author of “10 Things Every Pastor’s Wife Needs to Know” and “An Uninvited Guest.