Metsudati – Refuge! by Lacy Gunter

Where do you go when you are living in constant state of emergency?

Let’s lean in and be honest for a moment. Did Momma say there would be days like this or years like this? I have lived the song version where it has been a decade like this. You see, sisters, I am a ministry wife, but I am also a mom to a little one with autism.

Autism is a cruel shadow that darkens my beautiful daughter’s shining personality and robs her of so many things. Autism is an unseen enemy we fight behind closed doors while still striving to minister to those God places before us.

I will not lie. I have not always managed this well, and recently, this struggle came to a tipping point. I found myself no longer able to experience emotion on a healthy scale. This imbalance did not happen overnight.

Microtraumas are minor trauma to tissue that change cellular structure over time, resulting in the development of calluses. I play the violin, and I am grateful for the fingertip calluses I have developed. However, after years of emotional microtraumas, I was not thankful for the calluses that had formed in my heart.

Autism’s little traumas come from meltdowns, self-harming, harming others, and countless episodes I purposefully do not share to protect my precious daughter’s dignity. When these events occur, I must put aside emotion to respond effectively and keep everyone safe.

But what do we do when life requires an almost constant state of emergency and a need to assess variables constantly? My heart created a protective casing that resulted in life on autopilot, unable to provide an appropriate emotional response to any situation.

In ministry, these seemingly insignificant traumas can result from a sideways comment, being excluded from an activity or conversation, an expectation of sacrifice, or being made to feel ‘less than.’ Yes, we are women of hope, and of course, we can forgive these little offenses. However, over time and with repetition, these hurts can create calluses.

So what are we to do to fight this heart-hardening? The Holy Spirit’s answer for me came from Psalm 91. It is the battle cry for those weary of living in a constant state of emergency.

“I will say to the Lord, ‘My refuge and my fortress, My God, in whom I trust!'”  Psalm 91:2

Here we see two unique possibilities for rescue: MY refuge and MY fortress. ‘Refuge’ is our rescue in an immediate situation. A raging meltdown comes out of nowhere, or a church member makes an off-handed comment about your husband’s sermon last week. Whack! Your heart needs instant rescue as you push on to the next challenge.

The second term refers to a more permanent location for us to run for restoration. It is our ‘fortress’ or ‘metsudati.’ This odd, beautiful word means ‘an inaccessible place.’ In Job 39:28, it is a nest at the heights of a rocky crag. Your metsudati is a protective, hidden away place meant only for you. I go to mine when I need more time to spend with my Savior, times when I need therapeutic, restorative healing.

God knew there would be days, weeks, and years like this. He has not left us to suffer hurt alone. He desires to rub away those hardened places with His restorative oil as He sings songs of unfailing love over us. I have learned that this process also takes time, and I am glad it does. I love spending time in my metsudati with my Savior. Like savoring my favorite lavender latte, I am happy to take my sweet time letting him soothe my calloused emotions.

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer. I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them.”  Psalm 91:14-15

Are you a ministry wife and mother to a child with special needs? I would love the opportunity to connect. Join us on August 11th for a zoom gathering of like-minded ministry women/moms of special needs kids.  Register here.

Talk with you soon, Lacy

Lacy Gunter has been in ministry with her husband, Drew, for 20 years. She is a homeschool mom to their six children ranging in age from 5 to 17.  Her favorite thing in ministry is using science to explain the Gospel and the goodness of God. Do not ask her about the periodic table unless you have an hour to spare and love super excited lady nerds. She is loving living in her very own house with a red door in Anderson, SC where her husband serves as Associate Pastor at New Prospect Baptist.