The Fender Bender and My Guilt Trip

I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I did not hide; I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord” and You forgave the guilt of my sin. Selah.” (Psalm 32: 5 NASB)

New to the city, living with family, waiting for my apartment to be ready, this country-born girl commuted across the city to her new job for six weeks. About a week or so into this still intimidating adventure, on my way home, I was involved in a fender bender. I had already witnessed what a nightmare even a fender bender can cause in rush hour traffic so my heart sank to my stomach and began to pound. I was mortified to be the focus of everyone’s annoyed attention. Fortunately, there was a wide median and I quickly pulled my car up onto it and the other guy followed.

I jumped out and made sure the other guy was okay. He was and so was his passenger–his pregnant significant other. The second thing I did was exactly what my insurance card advised I should not do-I immediately claimed the blame. I believe my exact words were, “Oh, my goodness. Was I in the turn only lane? I am so, so sorry.” (I’d been traveling straight through the intersection and the guy beside me turned left and turned into my passenger door.) His only response was a strange expression that I attributed to frustration and anger and shock.

The guy got back into his car to call the police and I got inside mine to call my insurance company. (Traffic is noisy.) In my rear view mirror I could see that he and his passenger were having an animated discussion with finger pointing and her hands waving. It appeared that she was agitated and yelling at him and he was calming her down, pointing repeatedly at me. I was sure they were furious at the out-of-town hick who’d ruined their evening plans. I felt terrible. I was embarrassed. The only upside I could see was that I was new to the area and there was really a miniscule chance anyone I knew would see me there, but I know my face was still red. I got out of my car and walked over to apologize to his passenger again and to tell her I was praying for her and her child. She assured me she and the baby were fine and she was actually very pleasant. It was my turn to be shocked.

The guy and I had already exchanged insurance information and I had a claim number for him by the time the policeman arrived. My first words to the officer were, “It was my fault” and I apologized again for the inconvenience my mistake had caused. This time the guy was really sweet about it and again told me it was okay. The policeman did his official duties and I remember when, after I had apologized one more time and thanked the man for being so gracious about my mistake, and thanked the nice policeman when he handed me a ticket, the policeman told me ‘that’s why we call them accidents,’ -I remember thinking, “Wow. This is going to make a great blog post.” The rest of the way home I thought, “That’s the way Christians should behave when they make a mistake-they take responsibility, even when the cost is high. They own their mistakes. They apologize immediately and sincerely and they quickly take steps to make restitution.”

It wasn’t until the next day when I was on my way home and at the same lighted intersection that I looked around and realized, “Wait. I wasn’t in the turn only lane. I was in the turn optional lane when that wreck happened. I had every right to go straight. In other words, that wreck WAS NOT my fault…it was HIS. He had made an illegal left turn into me and my lane from a no turn lane. And in that moment I realized that was why the couple was so nice about it-they KNEW the wreck was his fault. The animated conversation I witnessed in my rear view mirror was her berating him and then him interrupting her, telling her it’d be okay, that I had already claimed the blame. They were very happy to let me take the blame.

And then I was just mad. So much for my spiritually deep blog post-it was probably a good thing I hadn’t actually typed anything up yet.

I went through that same intersection every evening for another month before my apartment came available and I thought about that encounter every single day, going and coming. I thought about how it was my insurance rate that would increase, about how I was the one who got the ticket, how I got the ding on my insurance record, about how I was the one with a passenger side door that wouldn’t open. However, since I had never seen the guy before and likely will never see him again, it was relatively easy to wax philosophical about the encounter.

Yes, it cost me the money for the ticket. Yes, I had to pay my insurance deductible. Yes, that guy LIED. But, I had lots of commute time to talk to God about it and I decided that one of these days that guy will answer to God Himself for that but, in the meantime, God gave me the resources to have good insurance and in the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t worth the energy of staying angry. It wasn’t like I’d had a personal relationship with this guy and then he’d done me wrong and I had to face him ever again. He was a stranger and quite possibly a spiritually lost one. I couldn’t go back to the guy and the policeman and say, “Wait! I wasn’t wrong-it WASN’T MY FAULT” and have the officer refund my ticket money and shame the guy. This was just going to have to be one of those conflicts where I was the person who took the blame and bore the consequences even when I wasn’t guilty-and I prayed that God would bring good from it.

So, what’s my spiritual point now being that my first one was blown to pieces? I do think that what I did was exactly what God would have us do when we are in a conflict where we are in the wrong. We should take responsibility, apologize, and make restitution. But, dear sisters, if you are a people pleaser like me or if you have been conditioned to believe that all fault no matter its origin is yours, then that’s NOT what we need to do. Sometimes we too readily accept blame and bow out of conflict simply because conflict is uncomfortable.

Oh, I’m not knocking being gracious and sweet, but when we accept blame and confess to sins that are not our own, something inside us dies a slow death. So, think about that when conflict arises-when someone criticizes you for what you wore to church or what you brought to the potluck or how you raise your children, or if your spouse is critical and treats you with contempt (yes, that can happen).

Take a moment or many moments to pray over conflict to see if there is any truth or any wisdom to glean from the situation before you open your mouth to speak. If the blame is truly yours, then claim it, own it, and make it right. But, if it’s not-then graciously, but with conviction-do not hesitate to speak the truth (Eph. 4:15; Gal. 6:1) and do not take a guilt trip just because someone buys you a ticket.

Living guilt free,

Nona Muss ;0)

Nona Muss was a pastor’s wife for over 20 years. She writes from a heart that knows first hand what it means to live ministry life in the glass house. She knows full well the result of truth and sin not dealt with correctly. She desires as ministry wives we would be free to be the women God has created us to be! She would welcome your comments and looks forward to responding to each one in the forum or here. Remember when you click on the forum if you are not signed in you will need to do so in order to post a comment. our other writers on Contagious Joy)